four days in the desert staying at the entirely gorgeous and v v swanky parker hotel, where we somehow scored the loveliest and most fancy suite ever. we spent our days sipping champagne lemon drops by the “family” pool (aka the not sexy pool), where my son tried to flirt with european tweens and little redheaded girls and i dug through the september issues of elle and vogue while (strangely) pauly shore paced around the pool talking on his cell phone. we also had one too many pina coladas at the ace while chatting with the staff about renegade desert parking lot minutemen shows and my high school crush on mike watt. we did our best to get through a plate of cheese fries at pappy and harriets and wound up hanging out in the back of a truck filled with punk rock t-shirts where the extremely kind proprietor gifted my son a set of rocky & clubber lang dolls which he has not let go of since. we also partook in bottomless champagne brunches and hung out at iconic atomic vintage digging through bags of 1960’s bikinis and costume jewelry and bar cloth shirts. all in all it was a dream trip, one which my liver and metabolism will likely need months to recover from.
- my tarot deck collection is really needing this amazing serpentfire deck, which features stevie nicks on the page of pentacles and is etched in gold.
- recently bought this little straw boater hat from asos (because i can’t find nor could i afford the celine version). i added a little black neck/chin strap to it and plan on wearing on adventures like georgia o’keefe.
- i bought this hair mask at whole foods for $3, and it honestly is the best thing that ever happened to my hair. it transformed my crazy assed rats nest of fried straw back into real human hair again.
- so in love with milk makeup’s lip colors, and currently wanting this pink color (called gnarly) which is just a touch purple and powdery and v v 90’s.
- this gold turquoise claw ring is beyond gorgeous.
- coming up on a short vacation in palm springs and really not feeling bathing suit ready. considering this cleanse to drop a little of my prosecco/tortilla chip bloat.
- really can’t get enough of charles jourdan shoes from the 90’s, like these pretty raspberry colored mary janes.
- holy jacquemus, this top from h&m is gorgeous.
- really heart these vintage green adidas shorts.
- i have a giant fashion crush on new-ish label attico right now. these white mules are crazy good.
- i worry that elvis costello’s mighty like a rose might get overlooked in his discography, sandwiched in with so many crazy fantastic records. because this record is brilliant, recorded in hollywood it’s sort of like a dark side of so.cal beach boys americana delivered in that costello-esque biting english style. also that cover is perfection.
- frances may is one of my favorite shops to peruse, and wow this vase is beauty.
- mary miller’s collection of short stories always happy hour is next up on my reading list.
- this dvf white ribbon trimmed top is brilliant.
- last are these white painter jeans from bliss & mischief, which look just about perfect to my eyes.
and here are a few of the emerald items i am currently coveting:
- this vintage chinese top hurts my eyes it’s so pretty ($17).
- a sweet pair of prada green silk shorts ($155).
- this attico satin mini dress is way adorable ($236).
- but this creatures of comfort gathered dress is the one ($270).
- these vintage charles jourdan platforms are seriously amazing ($180).
- this emerald dress from the vampires wife is the stuff dreams are made of ($675).
- dries van noten metallic pumps please ($195).
- topshop has this cute little cold shoulder top ($50)
- that would look perfect with this dries van noten skirt ($232).
- really lusting after this creatures of comfort pajama style top ($295).
- these rosie assoulin silk slim pants are gorgeousness ($175).
- this vintage gianni versace silk rouched dress is beyond greatness ($175).
- zara just came out with these embroidered satin ankle boots which are fully killing me ($69).
- of course this gucci floral silk bag, if you have all the money ($1,513).
- but if you don’t this vintage bag is just perfect ($15).
- as is this little vintage green straw bag ($45).
the other day i said to my oldest friend that i feel as if i’ve lost my faith. i am a person who has always subscribed to a lot of woo-woo stuff, from astrology to cosmic force and all of the “everything happens for a reason” dogma that goes along with it. but there i was, spilling my guts to a most trusted confidant over a glass of rose, saying, “lately i just think…shit happens.”
i came to this conclusion after hearing myself saying, once again, that the past week or month or months have been “some of the hardest” or toughest or roughest or most difficult. after hearing myself say this for the umpteenth time i realized that i am no longer in a “tough phase,” this is my life. it is hard. there are a lot of days where i feel like i’m struggling just to make it through the day. where i feel like i’m not strong enough or good enough or compassionate enough or nurturing enough to be the mother my child needs. like things are just worsening with time. part of the process of having a child on the autism spectrum, for me, has been walking through the levels of acceptance. levels that go deeper and further and take different directions. facing the fact that this is not going away. facing the fact that my life is always going to be difficult. that i might never be able to work again. that my son might never talk. that he might never become independent. facing those possibilities is terrifying. but necessary. and doing that, lately, has caused a sort of unraveling for me.
lately the struggle has been about routines. my son has to have things a certain way, and when something doesn’t fit what he expects or wants, crisis usually ensues. i make myself sick trying to anticipate what he might want or need out of every minute, and of course i fail because life cannot be just the way anyone wants it all the time. i realize that i’ve been just as uptight and rigid about his routines as he has. i realized this when all of my carefully laid plans started to fall apart, and the falling apart got larger and larger until i had to pay attention. and realize that i can’t control my son and his reactions to life. all that i can do is be here for him. i can’t make the world go away.
when i told my friend that i felt as if there was no universe or star map or reason behind things anymore, that i no longer believed in magic, something funny happened. i started seeing things that gave me a certain kind of flutter, the kind that comes from synchronicity. i overheard conversations that felt like they were speaking to me. my plans fell apart so much that they left me alone with my son, and i realized that no amount of therapy or school or play groups can compare to me being with and connecting to him. i love him unconditionally, and i was so caught up in doing all of the right things, of making sure he got all of this therapy and intervention and just the right people and places and things to avoid some big scary dark unknown future. grinding through each day until i could get some time to myself, or my husband got home, or some vacation or future perfect. and in that i was missing the moment. the moments in the day where he wants to snuggle with me, or sing to me, or show me how incredibly smart he is. it’s not that i didn’t live those moments, it’s that i let them slip by. in my quest for something else, something that i can’t even define.
so i think that yes, shit happens. but it’s kind of magic when it does. because it’s the shit that makes you pay attention and look at where you are and who you’re with and what is going on in the present moment.
- i am a gigantic sucker for apron dresses, and this gingham one from macgraw is so freaking cute i can’t stand it ($160).
- also a gigantic sucker for bodysuits, and my eyes are loving the shade of this lavender one from samantha pleet ($127).
- been eyeing this floral print one shoulder top from isabel marant for months. 50% off! ($260)
- same with these adorable little rainbow trim white shorts from sarah battaglia ($335).
- also these bubblegum pink trousers from natasha zinko ($537) are the coolest shit ever.
- these green dries van noten slingbacks ($472) make me want to cry tears. i want them so much it hurts painful hurts.
- feeling like i want to pull the trigger on this cotton dress ($286) from the vampire’s wife aka the lovely susie cave.
- also feeling like these nude jacquemus ballet flats ($242) are a solid investment.
- this tribal print isa arfen dress ($408) is way dreamy.
- orange and black bazar striped raffia espadrilles from balenciaga! ($317)
- this gold metallic pleated dress from simon miller is frigging gorgeous. ($269)
- these celine red & black knit pumps are driving me bonkers ($262).
- so, so into a.w.a.k.e. and this upside down aysmmetric striped one shoulder top ($294) which would look killer with their a-line plaid panel skirt ($202).
- speaking of killer this gabardine sonia rykiel (R.I.P.) romper is. way. ($262)
- last are a pair of maryam nassir zadeh mesh/plastic mules ($285). of course.