on resolutions.

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resolutions. i find it pretty interesting that we make resolutions at the new year. i also find it interesting that we repeat this cycle of binge and purge every winter, the idea of reward and punishment, celebration and repentance that we all subscribe to. it runs pretty deep.

the older that i get, the more clear the patterns of my life become- the highs and lows that transpire each month with my cycle, the annual and seasonal highs and lows. new years resolutions are a pretty good picture of the ways that we battle ourselves. geneen roth says that the way that we eat is the way that we live, and also the way that we spend money is the way that we live. new years resolutions tend to be about the way that we eat and the way that we spend money. most people vow to lose weight, to exercise and eat better, to go on a strict budget or to curb spending. we set high goals for ourselves, often unattainable ones, and then we blow them and beat ourselves up for it.

i can’t help but notice that there are resolutions that i set every year, over and over. somehow i find myself mandating that i try again at the start of each year. this is a big pattern in my life, and it’s all laid out in those annual resolutions: don’t eat sugar. don’t drink alcohol. don’t impulse buy. don’t buy fast fashion. don’t shop. maintain a strict diet. these are things i struggle with not just at the start of every year, but daily. the cycles of restriction and liberation, of control and losing control.

this year after i wrote down my resolutions, i decided that i needed to change my perspective on them. this year i’ve decided to just watch myself. to notice the things that i tell myself i must or must not do. to notice how i react to telling myself that i cannot do something (i.e. you always want what you cannot have). and to try to understand why i feel i need to do or not do these things (e.g. the man/my father/my mother/social media/god told me so). there is obviously a lot to “unpack” around those things. but i figure the weather is crap and pluto is burning up the charts, so it’s as good a time as any to roll up my jeans and wade into the muck of my mind.

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