a pregnant pause. or not pregnant, as it were. it’s a quiet time in my life. the time change slowed things to an even quieter pace. we’re to bed earlier and up before the sun. the dreams are heavier for us all. my husband dreamt that i was pregnant. the next day i woke to find that he was wrong. the baby cries loudly in his sleep, and awake, even louder. we’re night weening and it breaks my heart. the first night was hell. my husband on his bedroom floor, shushing loud cries. both of us picking him up, kissing his head, laying him down, rubbing his back, over and over. the second night was better, and the third a little quieter.

my baby is one year old. it is different. i see neighbors on our daily walk and they say is that the baby? the little baby? he’s gotten so big. he got so big. i try to remember the tiny time, those little days that went by in such a blur. i’m happy for his good days and tired on his bad days and daily amazed by him. his smiles are all and everything.

this week i am feeling the closing of the year. last night a big bright full moon through the kitchen window, and waiting for me outside of the living room when i got up. i watched it dim and fade and slip down the sky. somehow it was no match for the dawn. that full taurus moon with all of its 10th house heaviness. it seemed to usher out some ghosts for me. or to put away some lingering thoughts. i’m here in this house with my family and i’m so grateful for that.

i live in a beautiful place. the sun shines most days. the moon will shine again tonight, a little dimmer and a little different than last night.


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