new years morning josh and i laid in bed talking about what our resolutions are. i really like the whole new years resolution thing, much as i despise the marketing machine that generates much of our consciousness of them. i like the pause in the middle (or the beginning, really) of winter to reevaluate and set goals. i like having them as milestones.
i have a lot to weigh this winter. i am on an extended maternity leave due my son’s colic, which is up at the end of february. i have to decide if i want to go back to the career that i left, to the job and employees that i left to have him. it’s an incredibly stressful, sometimes manic job. it requires a lot of travel, near and far away. but it also has a somewhat flexible schedule, and makes me feel smart and vital. it’s a sort of energy that both drains me and fuels me, sort of like caffeine. i have to decide if i am capable of leaving my little son, who needs to be held every moment, who whimpers and screams if i put him down for one minute, with a day care or nanny. needless to say i am torn. half of me thinks he needs me so very much that i could never leave him, and i want to spend the next year or so devoted to caring for him and watching him grow stronger. the part of me that doesn’t want to leave the house for fear he will have a crying episode, the part that obsesses over every thing i eat, every possible medical or emotional reason that he has colic. the other half wants to go back to work, give myself and him more balance, to give him the benefit of a less nervous caretaker, one with far more tricks than i, and of being around other children. i am torn.
apart from my decision, there’s a lot i want to change. i’m still amazed at how much pregnancy and childbirth has changed my body. on some really basic levels, but also its shape. i worked out nearly every day until my son was born, still gained nearly 30 pounds, and have seen it go down somewhat. but i still have about 15 pounds to get rid of, and it feels like a nearly impossible feat. this ties in to wanting to be more healthy. before i was pregnant, i was incredible healthy. i didn’t drink (much), didn’t eat sugar or wheat or dairy. now that i have my son, all i want to do is eat candy and drink. i also feel like all that i eat is carbohydrates. whatever is quick and easy. always having a crying baby in your arms cuts down considerably on your “me” time. consequently i work out less, cook less (or less healthfully) and of course, make out with my gorgeous man waaaay less.
so, my resolutions are to be more brave with my son, trust him and trust myself that we will get where we need to be, together. to believe that both he and i are capable and to have faith in the both of us. my resolutions are to understand how my body has changed and adapt to it, to take care of it instead of beating it into submission like i did before pregnancy. to cook lots of healthy dinners and breakfasts and lunches for my family. to cut out sugar and processed foods and to eat fresh, seasonal vegetables. to exercise in ways that i love like dancing and yoga. to take more walks with my son. to get our bed back, and to kiss my boyfriend about a million times more than i have been.
here’s to a new year, one that leaves colic behind us and brings us way more baby smiles.