beginning again.

2013, over and done. this was the craziest, hugest year of my life, for sure. i had a child. not much else tops that, apart from near death experiences, which was included in my childbirth experience, so, there you go. i had it all. love, success, failure, birth and near death. my son is now 10 weeks old and seems to be turning a corner away from colicky hell and into a much happier phase. he is smiling a little, making eye contact, snuggling, and as of yesterday, actually seems to be taking naps somewhere other than my arms. it’s a miracle to me. fingers crossed that he keeps getting better.

so much happened last year that i really got the impermanence of life, or the truth behind the idea that we really only have the present moment. i left behind a successful job for a bigger, scarier one. i built something and ended up having to tear it in half. i left the most lovely rental i have ever inhabited and the 2nd most beautiful land i’ve ever lived in to be with the man that i love. we made his house our home. i made it through 9 months of a pretty darn easy pregnancy only to suffer the world’s worst labor and delivery. i spent 5 days sitting next to an incubator humming “you are my sunshine” to my tiny son. i finally got him home only to enter 10 weeks of screaming, miserable baby world. everything gets put into perspective, or looks like a distant planet compared to that enormous world of inconsolable crying. things that previously consumed me became trite and trivial and not even within the realm of consciousness next to my son. because of him i can see how life moves constantly. babies cry and then finally they stop. the days go by. the hours pass. with colic you live hour to hour. the good ones are the most incredible moments in the world. the bad ones are the most exhausting, heartbreaking of your life. but the love and patience and resilience are somehow infinite and you truly are stronger than you ever dreamed you could be.

this year was extremely challenging. i was tested in ways that i had never considered. i was pushed and shoved and more than anything i learned to trust myself, to somehow keep going and to believe that i would get through it, no matter what “it” was. i found home, which is no small miracle for someone who spent 34 years being restless and full of wanderlust.

happy new year.

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